Being Lost and Found

As of recent, I feel like I've been left out of a lot of people's lives. I know that some of this is my doing, although it's not something that I meant to do. I have bottled myself up and not let people in, but it's because of the reaction I've gotten from people when I've tried to open up.

Truthfully, I feel replaced. I feel as though my importance in their lives has diminished and like the newest model car- I've been traded up.

But I have decided that there's nothing that can be done now. It's happened and there's no going back. I will just have to keep myself guarded so that I will never be in the position to be replaced again.

Update

A lot of things have happened since the last post. I still feel alone in the world. Once you lose your mom, your greatest fan, I think you are alone in the world. No one understands you the way your mother does. She doesn't drop you when other people come along, or make you feel inadequate and inferior, as friends do.

I feel as though I've been cheated by people. I have listened and listened to their problems, but it seems as though when I start to tell them mine, they listen for a bit and then go right into talking about themselves. Maybe it's just me, but when I listen, I listen.

Anymore, I don't feel I can confide in anyone. It's been so long since I've felt comfortable talking to someone about how I really feel. I don't think people care about how I feel. People don't see me as a person. I'm just that thing that's there whenever they need someone. And that hurts.

I am alone

I feel more and more alone lately. I'm very social to people, but on the inside I know that I'm on my own. I don't even like to talk to people about what's going on with me any longer. Making small talk is how I dodge questions about me, or I'll put on a big smile and say, "Oh, yeah! I'm doing fine!" But I'm not.

Alone

I feel so alone. I feel as though no one truly understands what I'm going through and what I've went through.

Fixin'

Not as in I'm fixin to do something, but as in fixin' things that are wrong. There's a lot wrong in my life right now. Somethings I know how to fix; some I don't. Today, for example, the fence got fixed. Now you may ask what's so important about a fence getting fixed, but to me it means I can truly settle in to my new digs. You may also asked if I'm living in the yard since a fence getting fixed is allowing me to move on with moving in, but that's not the case. 'Tis a long tale, and something I do not wish to get into at the present moment.

There's something to be said for having one's own space. I miss having my own space. I went from having my own house to not even having my own room, or a room for that matter I miss painting and taking pictures. I miss being creative and must importantly, I miss being left alone.

Hopefully, now, the ball is rolling toward that goal of having a space of my own.

Wrestling!

I attended a wrestling card in Big Lick. My aunt and I ventured down there yesterday and didn't return until 1:30 am!

Going to wrestling made me think of my mother. She loved wrestling and loved attending. I know that she's here with me-- she hid my Sharpie on me yesterday!

Going to Wrestling